- sports, all sports, all the time
- beer
- any other alcohol
- sex
- music
- turtles
- sandwiches
- underwears
- cars
- superheroes
- moose
- thunderstorms
- action movies
- horror mmovies
- candy
- fun organizational things
- tie blankets
- massage chairs
- stilettos
- tattoos
- twins
- presents
- motorcycles
- bad boys
- power tools
- Nikes
- headbands
- trampolines
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
That's Pretty Neat
Some things that I think are pretty neat:
Relationships = Puke
Relationships make me puke. Here's why:
Pet names are awful. No, my name is not "babe," "honey," "hun," "muffin," or "snuggle snake." It's Kayleigh. Call me by my name please.
PDA is occasionally cute, but most of the time it is not. Holding hands. Puke. That awkward arms around each other walk. Puke. Your hands in each other's butt pockets. Is that practical at all? Making out in public. Get a room. Hugging. Who hugs anymore?
The constant texts are annoying. You don't need to be communicating all the time. Let me breathe!
Jealousy is a bitch. Yeah, I have guy friends, and I'm going to keep hanging out with them even if I'm in a relationship (not likely). I'll probably even flirt with them too because, hey, I'm a flirt. Don't worry about it.
The constant need to know where I am and what I'm doing is bullshit. I'm a big girl, so I can take care of myself, but thanks.
The loss of friends is the worst. Everyone says they don't do it, but I'm telling you, yes you do. Since your time is consumed by your significant other, you inevitably spend less time with your friends. Not okay.
Heartbreaks, cheating, breakups. They all suck. People almost always let you down or hurt you in some way. Might as well just avoid it in the first place and say "fuck you!"
Pet names are awful. No, my name is not "babe," "honey," "hun," "muffin," or "snuggle snake." It's Kayleigh. Call me by my name please.
PDA is occasionally cute, but most of the time it is not. Holding hands. Puke. That awkward arms around each other walk. Puke. Your hands in each other's butt pockets. Is that practical at all? Making out in public. Get a room. Hugging. Who hugs anymore?
The constant texts are annoying. You don't need to be communicating all the time. Let me breathe!
Jealousy is a bitch. Yeah, I have guy friends, and I'm going to keep hanging out with them even if I'm in a relationship (not likely). I'll probably even flirt with them too because, hey, I'm a flirt. Don't worry about it.
The constant need to know where I am and what I'm doing is bullshit. I'm a big girl, so I can take care of myself, but thanks.
The loss of friends is the worst. Everyone says they don't do it, but I'm telling you, yes you do. Since your time is consumed by your significant other, you inevitably spend less time with your friends. Not okay.
Heartbreaks, cheating, breakups. They all suck. People almost always let you down or hurt you in some way. Might as well just avoid it in the first place and say "fuck you!"
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Drivers That I Hate
I am a fast and smart driver, so I hate being around slow and/or stupid drivers. I get road rage easily, so I thought I'd vent some of it here.
I hate drivers that think that, even though I'm coming straight on, they can right turn on red and accelerate in time. No. Don't do it. I will either end up nearly rear-ending you, or having to go around you and giving you a dirty look for being a selfish dipshit.
I hate drivers that think they understand four-way stops when they really don't. No, you can't just approach and stop quick and then go. No, you don't need to wait for everyone to approach the intersection and stop, just to make sure no one will hit you if you go. No, I don't want you to "let" me go because of Minnesota-nice. Just go on your turn, dammit, and don't take 5,000 years!
I hate drivers that drive ridiculously slow when it is unnecessary. Just because it's raining, doesn't mean it's always slippery, so it doesn't mean you need to drive 20 below the speed limit. And if there are no adverse weather conditions, there is absolutely no reason for you to be this goddamn stupid!
I hate drivers that get mad when I try to pass them and start to speed up when I'm trying to go around them. If you do that, genius, then I'm just going to get right back behind you, even angrier than before, and tail you until I have another opportunity to pass you.
There is nothing I hate more than people driving in the fast lane when they really shouldn't be there! Especially if the other lanes are open! I'm sorry, but if you are in the fast lane, the slowest you should be going is 70. And if I'm trying to pass you, get the fuck over!
I hate drivers that think that, even though I'm coming straight on, they can right turn on red and accelerate in time. No. Don't do it. I will either end up nearly rear-ending you, or having to go around you and giving you a dirty look for being a selfish dipshit.
I hate drivers that think they understand four-way stops when they really don't. No, you can't just approach and stop quick and then go. No, you don't need to wait for everyone to approach the intersection and stop, just to make sure no one will hit you if you go. No, I don't want you to "let" me go because of Minnesota-nice. Just go on your turn, dammit, and don't take 5,000 years!
I hate drivers that drive ridiculously slow when it is unnecessary. Just because it's raining, doesn't mean it's always slippery, so it doesn't mean you need to drive 20 below the speed limit. And if there are no adverse weather conditions, there is absolutely no reason for you to be this goddamn stupid!
I hate drivers that get mad when I try to pass them and start to speed up when I'm trying to go around them. If you do that, genius, then I'm just going to get right back behind you, even angrier than before, and tail you until I have another opportunity to pass you.
There is nothing I hate more than people driving in the fast lane when they really shouldn't be there! Especially if the other lanes are open! I'm sorry, but if you are in the fast lane, the slowest you should be going is 70. And if I'm trying to pass you, get the fuck over!
Saturday, December 24, 2011
That awkward moment when...
That awkward moment when you don't love someone, so you say "thanks."
That awkward moment when Santa has the same wrapping paper as your parents.
That awkward moment when you drop your Cocaine in the snow.
That awkward moment when you're sitting on Santa's lap and you're not the only happy one.
That awkward moment when Edward and Santa are watching you sleep at the same time.
That awkward moment when Disneyland officially names your mom a ride.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend reminds the dentist to be careful because you gag easily.
That awkward moment when a fat kid says "that's how I roll."
That awkward moment when you're singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.
That awkward moment when a couple of guys who are up to no good start making trouble in your neighborhood.
That awkward moment when you walk into the bathroom and Kevin G is making love to your woman on the floor.
That awkward moment when you buy a bag of air and there's chips inside.
That awkward moment when you find out that the 9-year-old girl you adopted from a questionable orphanage is the spawn of satan.
That awkward moment when Lady Gag shows up to a party wearing the same outfit as you.
That awkward moment when you go to watch a fight and a hockey game breaks out.
That awkward moment when Santa has the same wrapping paper as your parents.
That awkward moment when you drop your Cocaine in the snow.
That awkward moment when you're sitting on Santa's lap and you're not the only happy one.
That awkward moment when Edward and Santa are watching you sleep at the same time.
That awkward moment when Disneyland officially names your mom a ride.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend reminds the dentist to be careful because you gag easily.
That awkward moment when a fat kid says "that's how I roll."
That awkward moment when you're singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.
That awkward moment when a couple of guys who are up to no good start making trouble in your neighborhood.
That awkward moment when you walk into the bathroom and Kevin G is making love to your woman on the floor.
That awkward moment when you buy a bag of air and there's chips inside.
That awkward moment when you find out that the 9-year-old girl you adopted from a questionable orphanage is the spawn of satan.
That awkward moment when Lady Gag shows up to a party wearing the same outfit as you.
That awkward moment when you go to watch a fight and a hockey game breaks out.
Likes
So I'm scrolling through my "likes" on Facebook (I have over 2,500) and there's some pretty great ones, so I decided to share them:
- Zombie Weapons and Tactics: The ZWAT Team
- Brotips
- Erin Andrews is Hot
- If she ______ she's too young for you bro
- Sorry for Partying
- Saying "we're chilling everyday this summer," knowing it's never going to happen
- Bed
- Turning the exam paper before it starts because you're a fearless bastard
- My joke just became super awkward
- Those guys in the background of Michael Henry and Justin Robinett videos
- And that's how the USA outdoes a royal wedding
- Petite Lap Giraffes
- 13 Floors of Whores
- My Roommate Thinks She's a Cat
- Draco Malfoy's face upon learning that there's a troll in the dungeon
- Draco Malfoy's face when he sees Voldemort in the Dark Forest
- Green Color
- styrofoam cups
- When I was your age, we had the Amanda Show, not iCarly.
- Things Brittany from Glee says
- Bill Nye the Science Guy
- That awkward moment when Rebecca Black doesn't know which seat to take.
- Dropping out of school to become a cat.
- Broseidon, God of the Brocean
- I hate dumb drunk girls that think they're amazing at beer pong.
- Tito's ancient Hawaiian sayings from Rocket Power
P.S. This is inspired by Mandy.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Ke$ha's Words of Wisdom
Anyone that knows me knows that Ke$ha is my idol and my top choice of girls I would fuck. However, most people don't know the majority of her songs, as they are unreleased on YouTube. Also, most people don't know that there are some words of wisdom in her songs... they are not all just mindless party lyrics. Here are some of these words of wisdom:
I don't care what people say, the rush is worth the price I pay. I get so high when you're with me, but crash and crave you when you leave. [Your Love Is My Drug]
The life is fading from me while you watch my heart bleed. Young love murdered, that is what this must be. [The Harold Song]
Drunk off of nothing but each other 'til the sunrise. [The Harold Song]
In the dark I can't fight it, I fake it 'til I'm numb. But in the bright light, I taste you on my tongue. In the dark I can't fight it 'til it disappears. But in the daylight, I taste you in my tears. [Hungover]
Chapter by chapter, I'm falling faster and faster, becoming manic and magic, it's so romantic I panic. Hit the eject button but it must be stuck, something's up. What did you sip into my drink? [Disgusting]
While you were sleeping, I was wandering with the lonely people, while you were sleeping, trying to fill the void you left. Life is short and the nights are long, and tonight I moved on while you were sleeping. [While You Were Sleeping]
The hope is fading from my lips when I kiss you with goodbye. Now when you let go of our last embrace, please don't look me in the eye. Secret's out, that I just might care about you. You broke me, you're leaving, there's nothing I can do. [Goodbye]
I'll find a way to close a door, I want to say so much more. I found you once, you're lost again, two thousand miles took what could have been. [Goodbye]
The smile fate was wearing slowly dies. Minutes turn to months. The silence of the phone just mocks my cry, when I see that you've moved on. [Goodbye]
I'm closing the windows to stay warm, it's a chill in my soul since you've been gone. The silence is louder than any thunder taking me under. I'm staying home today, gonna hide away, because it feels like rain. [Feels Like Rain]
I don't care what people say, the rush is worth the price I pay. I get so high when you're with me, but crash and crave you when you leave. [Your Love Is My Drug]
The life is fading from me while you watch my heart bleed. Young love murdered, that is what this must be. [The Harold Song]
Drunk off of nothing but each other 'til the sunrise. [The Harold Song]
In the dark I can't fight it, I fake it 'til I'm numb. But in the bright light, I taste you on my tongue. In the dark I can't fight it 'til it disappears. But in the daylight, I taste you in my tears. [Hungover]
Chapter by chapter, I'm falling faster and faster, becoming manic and magic, it's so romantic I panic. Hit the eject button but it must be stuck, something's up. What did you sip into my drink? [Disgusting]
While you were sleeping, I was wandering with the lonely people, while you were sleeping, trying to fill the void you left. Life is short and the nights are long, and tonight I moved on while you were sleeping. [While You Were Sleeping]
The hope is fading from my lips when I kiss you with goodbye. Now when you let go of our last embrace, please don't look me in the eye. Secret's out, that I just might care about you. You broke me, you're leaving, there's nothing I can do. [Goodbye]
I'll find a way to close a door, I want to say so much more. I found you once, you're lost again, two thousand miles took what could have been. [Goodbye]
The smile fate was wearing slowly dies. Minutes turn to months. The silence of the phone just mocks my cry, when I see that you've moved on. [Goodbye]
I'm closing the windows to stay warm, it's a chill in my soul since you've been gone. The silence is louder than any thunder taking me under. I'm staying home today, gonna hide away, because it feels like rain. [Feels Like Rain]
Naming Candy
I think they should be more realistic when they name candies... so here are some examples I have.
Lemonheads = Yellow Crackballs
Nerds = Cocaine Pellets
Milk Duds = Super Glue
Dots = Flavored Rubber
Sweettarts = A WHOLE LOTTA SUGAR
Cow Tales = Nasty Asshole
Mike & Ike = Edible Glowsticks
Starbursts = 1 Part Sugar : 20 Parts Wrapper
Sour Patch Kids = Not Sweet, All Sour
Shocktarts = Tastebud-Killing Discs
Butterfinger = Peanut Butter Crumble
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups = HEAVEN ON EARTH
Here's some more good ones:
The Real Names of Candy
Lemonheads = Yellow Crackballs
Nerds = Cocaine Pellets
Milk Duds = Super Glue
Dots = Flavored Rubber
Sweettarts = A WHOLE LOTTA SUGAR
Cow Tales = Nasty Asshole
Mike & Ike = Edible Glowsticks
Starbursts = 1 Part Sugar : 20 Parts Wrapper
Sour Patch Kids = Not Sweet, All Sour
Shocktarts = Tastebud-Killing Discs
Butterfinger = Peanut Butter Crumble
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups = HEAVEN ON EARTH
Here's some more good ones:
The Real Names of Candy
Gleek
Yeah, I'll admit it, I'm a little bit of a Gleek. It's sort of my guilty pleasure. Sometimes it's annoying, but they do some really great songs and these two were on a recent episode and they literally made me cream my jeans. LITERALLY.
And this one is from last season, but it still makes me cream my jeans (just the first one). The kiss is EPIC.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Mall Madness
Mall shopping two days before Christmas Eve is not a good idea... ever. Here are some ideas for mall efficiency:
- stroller lane/floor/mall (FUCK STROLLERS)
- mosey hours and no-mosey hours (a.k.a. power trip hours)
- NO MOSEY EVER rule
- no stupid people allowed rule
- bigger aisles
- open 24 hours for night owl shoppers
- "keep kids tied down" rule
Taking Inventory
I just bought a beautiful new leopard print swimsuit, so I decided to take inventory of everything leopard print or zebra print that I own. Here are the results:
Leopard Print:
- two swimsuits
- two bras... yes only two (one of which I am wearing)
- twelve pairs of panties (also wearing one)
- two pairs of socks
- three shirts
- one dress
- two pairs of yoga pants
- two phone cases
- one headband
- one hat
- one cold cup (kinda giraffe-y)
- one birthday shotglass
Zebra Print:
- six pairs of panties
- five shirts
- two dresses
- one phone case
- two pencil cases
- one weird box thing
- one rhinestone flask
- one wallet
Total = 49 items
To be honest, I thought there would be more. I should probably fix that.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Creepy Guy
So I work at Menards and me and Durinda (co-worker) were straightening the Christmas aisles. This older, kinda crazy looking guy walks up to us and says "Hey you... or you... or do I get both of you?" Creepy right? Yeah, it gets worse. So Durinda goes to help him with a tree that he wants and while she's doing that, he comes up to me and asks where the ribbon is. I show him and he picks out a couple blue ones and holds them up to my face and says "wow, these match your eyes." He then picks out some ornaments and Durinda asks him if he needs a cart. His response is "nah, I'll just take her with me (pointing to me) and have her carry it." While he's looking at ornaments, he keeps making comments about me, like "man, I really picked the cutest one!" He then asks for tree toppers, which we were out of. So he says to me "I'll just take you home and put you on top of my tree, because you're an angel." By this point, I was blushing, and Cameron (co-worker) intervened and talked this guy's ears off until he left the store. Creepy, yet, but so entertaining.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
My Christmas List
Here's what I want for Christmas:
- to win the lottery
- to be 21
- an NBA All-Star boyfriend
- 500 pairs of Nikes
- my own reality show
- sex
- a North Face
- backstage passes to a Drake concert
- a shopping spree at Victoria's Secret
- A's in all my classes
- to get along with my family
- a good singing voice
- to lose my craving/need for caffeine
- a permanent tan
- a job that pays $100+ per hour
- socks
- an endless supply of Nerds
- a teleporter
- naturally pretty hair
- an Audi
- season tickets for the Timberwolves
- a date with Kevin Love
- a date with Christian Ponder
- a date with Drake
- a date with Ke$ha
- a date with Nicki Minaj
- another couple of inches of height
- bigger tits
- a king-size bed
- no more bills
- a personal chef
- a sugar daddy
- a personal trainer
- a new iPod touch
- a house on the beach
- an island
So if you're getting me a Christmas present, follow the list!
Fearless
So today I was getting a pedicure and this lady commented on the tattoo on my foot. It says "fearless" and this lady asked me if "it's after that singer." NO, I DID NOT GET A TATTOO DEDICATED TO TAYLOR SWIFT! DO YOU THINK I'M RETARDED???? Then I calmly explained to her the true meaning of my tattoo.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Things I Would Rather Do Than Write This Paper
- Google "stupid people at Walmart"
- jack off
- listen to music
- drink
- jack off
- Facebook creep
- smell my candle
- count the bumps on the ceiling
- knit a sweater
- jack off
- sleep
- blow my nose
- pick my nose
- bang my head on the computer
- soak my paper cut in lemon juice
- broil a turkey
- jack off
- watch porn
- make porn
- buy stocks
- do a sudoku
- jack off
- look at pictures of turtles
- cry
- bang on the keyboard until i have three pages
- call people in China
- play call of duty
- stare at my laundry, hoping it puts itself away
- throw my textbooks out the window
- build a gazebo
- rent a canoe
- build a canoe
- jack off
- rearrange everything in my house
- change the time on all the clocks in my house
- buy some stocks
- brush my teeth with peanut butter
- find a stray cat on the street to be my pet
Phallic Foods
I am proposing an addition to the food pyramid - phallic foods, which includes the following:
Hello
Hey there! My name is Kayleigh and I'm kind of a big deal, but what I talk about is really not a big deal. I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to put on here yet, but it's gonna be pretty random and awesome, so stick around...
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